


Leash Laws

by cymraeg



Category: Dragon Age II
Genre: Crack, Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-27
Updated: 2013-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-21 11:39:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/899875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cymraeg/pseuds/cymraeg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone has to clean up the mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leash Laws

Anders raised a hand to knock on the door of Hawke's manor house, to find it was slightly ajar. It didn't please him at all to open it fully and find Fenris in the foyer. Fenris didn't look any happier to see him.

" _You're_ here," said Anders unnecessarily.

Fenris crossed his arms. "So it would seem," he replied sardonically.

Just then Bodahn came bustling into the room. "Oh, messeres, I'm so glad you're here. I wouldn't have sent for you but with Messere Hawke out of town I knew you'd be able to assist." He motioned them into the main room where Hawke's Mabari, Rowlf, was sitting in front of the fire. The big dog cocked his head at them and whined. Then he looked at Bodahn and growled softly. Bodahn took a prudent step back.

"What exactly is it you need us to do, Bodahn?" asked Fenris.

"Well, ever since my boy blew up the fireplace, the big fellow's been shy of me. He won't let me, er, walk him at the moment..." Bodahn trailed off, looking at them expectantly.

"You want us to walk Hawke's dog?" exclaimed Anders.

"Why does this require both of us?" Fenris growled.

"Well, messeres, he needs someone very strong to control him, and I thought Messere Fenris was the strongest of Messere Hawke's friends who would be available. And if he does decide to, well, attack you, it would be useful to have a healer along." Bodahn beamed at them, delighted with his own plan. Fenris and Anders stared at each other for a moment, non-plussed. There _was_ a certain logic to it.

"All right," said Fenris, relenting. "What is it we're meant to do, precisely?"

Bodahn beamed even more. "Oh, it's very easy! Simply put the collar and leash on him - " (Fenris's brows knit stormily for a second, but he said nothing) "and then just go for a walk with him, make sure he doesn't eat any cats or attack anyone, and let him do his business. He'll probably wet a statue or two, and he also may, you know, do the other as well. If he does, you'll need this -" Bodahn delved into a nearby chest and came up with a piece of old worn cloth that apparently used to be a garment. "You just need to, er, scoop it up with this, and then throw it away in a refuse bin."

_So THAT'S what Hawke does with all the torn trousers!_ Anders thought. 

"Why don't we just walk him in Lowtown?" growled Fenris. "One more pile of crap down there will hardly make a difference."

"Oh no, Messere!" said Bodahn, scandalized. "The big fellow likes to take his constitutional around the neighborhood, you know; and that means leash laws." He shrugged helplessly. "You can try to take him out of Hightown, but I don't think he'll go."

Anders looked at Rowlf. Rowlf looked back and cocked his head, with another soft whine. To Anders he looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Fenris, I think we'd better just get this over with," Anders sighed.

Bodahn had told them that Rowlf would head back toward the manor when he was done, but they'd made three circuits of the Hightown manor district and the big dog showed no sign of wanting to return home.

Fenris could barely keep up with the dog, who had watered a statue, four bushes, several archways and a bench which Anders would never sit on again. He'd also made a beeline for the grim Qunari standing near the Viscount's keep and sniffed him all over with his tailstub wagging. Anders had earned himself a glare by quipping "I certainly hope you're not in heat, because if you are I think this means you're married."

Fenris's muscles bulged as he tried to keep Rowlf from racing off after a pigeon that took flight from the top of the Chantry board. Rowlf's claws scrabbled on the flagstone and for a moment the issue was in serious doubt, then Fenris swore something in Tevinter and snapped "SIT!" To Anders' surprise, the dog did.

"I can't believe we got picked for this," Anders moaned, leaning against the board. "Hawke better share his loot when he gets back."

Fenris was busy having a stare-off with Rowlf, but threw over his shoulder "So far, I'm the one doing all the work."

"I have _things_ to _do,_ you know," snapped Anders irritably. This was a lie. "Spending the evening with you and Hawke's dog was pretty much the furthest thing from my mind."

"Speak for yourself, mage," Fenris growled. Rowlf whuffed at him. "Don't worry, I wasn't talking to you," said the elf, patting the dog awkwardly on the head.

"Well, I like that," huffed Anders. "You can be civil to the dog but not me."

"The dog is far more pleasant company," Fenris shot back.

Rowlf began to sniff around the post of the Chantry board, and then squatted. Both Fenris and Anders took a step back as Rowlf, with an expression of doggy bliss, began to defecate.

And defecate.

And defecate.

By the time he stood up and shook himself, there was a steaming pile of dogshit easily the diameter of a large dinner plate and emitting a smell that made both the elf and the man clap hands over their noses and groan. Rowlf barked at them proudly.

Gagging a little, Fenris drew the dog back. "All yours, mage" he choked.

"What? snapped Anders. "Why do I have to deal with this?"

"I'm the walker," said Fenris. "You've got the cleanup materials, so you clean."

A guard who had been stationed near the base of the steps sauntered their way. "You'll need to look after your animal's mess, serah," he said sternly to Fenris.

"Oh of course, ser!" exclaimed the elf. "My master always observes the law and cleans up promptly!" He pointed at Anders. Anders wondered if it would be possible to set Fenris on fire and escape before he was caught. Since it was Hightown, he thought the odds were not in his favor, but it was oh, so very tempting.

"Well, ser?" said the guard with a level look.

"Of course," said Anders, forcing a smile. He pulled out the piece of cloth, and with careful maneuvering, managed to gather up the pile of crap and tie it off into a stinky, disgusting bundle.

"Thank you, sers. Good day," said the guard, nodding politely and walking off. Fenris smirked. Anders, still within range of the smell, took deep breaths through his mouth to forestall vomiting.

"Thanks a lot, elf," he snarled.

"What exactly are you planning to do with that, anyway?" Fenris asked. Rowlf looked at him curiously, as if awaiting an answer.

Anders looked around for anyplace to discard the loathsome bundle, but it was Hightown, for one; and the base of the Chantry steps, for another...and then Anders had an idea. A wonderful, awful idea.

It took surprisingly little effort to talk Fenris into it.

***

The service was lovely, as usual; and Sebastian felt uplifted and completed, also as usual. After exchanging a few words with Grand Cleric Elthina, and offering consolation to a few petitioners who had stayed after the service, he retired to his quarters.

He had only been praying for about fifteen minutes when a powerful knocking shook his chamber door.

Leaping to his feet, Sebastian grabbed his bow and stepped resolutely toward the door. He knew Hawke and most of his cronies were out of town, so this could only be some Chantry related emergency. He would be ready.

Opening the door, he was surprised to find the corridor empty, but on the floor - _Maker, it's on fire!_ A fair sized ball of flame enveloped a bundle just outside his door. Instinctively, he stomped down on it, trying to extinguish the flame.

He was rewarded with a veritable explosion of noxiously foul dogshit, which splattered all over the floor, the walls, and of course, his white and gold armor.

And around the corner out of his sight, Anders and Fenris, doubled over with stifled laughter and clinging to Rowlf for support, were rewarded with a string of profanities that Sebastian had certainly not learned in the Chantry.


End file.
